Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
