i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
