she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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