so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
