You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
