We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
