i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
