There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
