i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
