Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
