Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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