my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
