I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
