I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
