is your mom at the bar?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
