I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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