Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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