6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
