I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
