Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
