I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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