My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
