I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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