then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
