with your own penis?
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
