Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
