I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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