can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
