I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
