What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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