Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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