just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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