i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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