u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
