Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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