i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
