Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you traded sex for a burrito?
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
