dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
