i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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