I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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