so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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