I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
