I'm eating all of the evidence.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
