im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
