Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
My dick has a subreddit
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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