one might say we're banned from that church
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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