In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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