I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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