I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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