Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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