I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
